The Zoo

This page will be dedicated to all of the species I have posted. I will put this here for easy reference when I start the “Olympics of Idiots” .

“Formula Fiddy Fu-Son”: There was a 50 Cent look-a-like at the bus stop on Wednesday who I have never seen before. He was walking around with the customary baggy-droopy-falling off his ass-shorts and wearing a crooked hat like a special kid. He was not wearing a shirt and he was pacing angrily back and forth rapping to nobody that would listen. He was pretty well built, seemingly crazy, and doing karate moves. He was doing hand moves, and quickly I might add, spin kicks, and he even assumed the crane position and did a kick ala Daniel-son in the Karate Kid. Needless to say, people were avoiding him like crazy (because he was) including me. I did glance a couple of times, I did smirk a bit, and I did give the “huh-face” to somebody passing by but I did not stare or try and provoke this one by any means. When people are crazy and seemingly skilled in karate…that’s when even I draw the line.

“Mr. At Least His Bag Has a Seat”: This is a rude species to say the least. As his name indicates he is more concerned that his bag has a seat over say an old lady, a girl with a kid, or just a person like me who can see the open seat and feels teased by this. It was a crowded, hot bus and I was standing in the back and holding the bar. There were a few seats available and I let some other guy sit before me figuring that fuck-face would put his bag on his lap and allow me seating. Not so much. I stood. I made a snarky comment aimed at him (“hey, your bag’s got a seat, eh”). He picked up the bag finally, but I refused him and continued to stand just to spite him. When I finally did get a seat, I was across from him and decided to make him uncomfortable by just kind of staring every so often. Success. He moved towards the front eventually.

“Mr Everything, Rich White Guy”: So, as I said, this guy is at the stop all the time. He seems to be a magnet for people. I always notice that people waiting for the bus and just walking down the street stop and ask this guy for stuff. I have heard people ask for cigarettes (he smokes), for money, to use his cell phone, a pen, and even for something as weird as batteries. This guy must be a general store for street freaks. While he is white and appears to have a job; I don’t think he is rich by any means, but still people ask him for stuff almost everyday. Mr Everything, Rich White Guy is, of course, me.

“MC Vanilla Shady, white rapper extraordinaire”: So I had to sit in the front of the bus on that Friday afternoon. This is a place I do not usually sit because those seats are for the handicapped and the elderly and I figure that I will get supplanted by someone eventually. There were some older ladies up front with me that day, as well as a handicapped person….talent handicapped that is.

I did not have my iPod in my ears that day because it was rainy and I did not even bring it with me in fear that it would get damaged. Lucky for me. This tall, lanky white-guy douche bag sits down across from me and between two elderly ladies. He has his cap on sideways, droopy drawers, and a big gold chain with a cross on it. It does not take long before he starts rapping along with his headphones. He did not miss a word either. Every “fuck”, “bitch”, and “nigga” in the songs fell out of his mouth in a monotoned, dorky voice. Needless to say, the old ladies were not happy. The one kept making faces. The little black kid, whom I know from the mornings, was cracking up laughing because of the face I was making. It was funny, but embarrassing at the same time. Being up front, the driver could hear him and eventually told him to “pipe down and stop the cussing”. Again, a driver intervention, just like last week’s post.

“The Milk Shake”: A large, slovenly and oafish woman fumbling a greasy bag of fries and a creamy, pink drink of some sort gets on a relatively crowded bus. The bus had a couple of available seats and nobody standing. Of course, for my entertainment, she chooses to sit in the back of the bus next to some mild mannered, seemingly quiet middle aged lady. I had the feeling (and I am sure you do to) where this whole thing was going. As we know, buses can be a little jerky and the ride can sometimes be a bit bumpy. The Milk Shake apparently was not aware of this phenomenon. She was eating her greasy fries and holding this pink beverage. Every time the bus shook this liquid would splash up in the cup against the plastic, domed lid. This idiot decided to take the lid off and now the fun begins. She eventually ended up splashing this pink and creamy liquid all over the quiet middle aged lady next to her. This is where the next species comes into the picture…

“Seated Middle Ager, Hidden Rager”: The seemingly quiet, middle aged lady was not a happy camper (I don’t blame her) after the pink stuff landed in her lap and on her shirt. This very innocent looking person morphed right before my eyes into an expletive shouting, fist waving monster. As soon as it happened the lady stood up and yelled for everyone to hear “YOU FUCKING IDIOT, YOU SLOB….ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID? LOOK WHAT YOU DID. I am sure she was a mom, because the next line was “WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF YOU MORON? HA?” By this point the driver had stopped the bus and come back to check out the situation. He asked the Milk Shake to get off the bus and finish her lunch and he apologized to the splashee and asked if he could pay for cleaning or something. All returned to normal.

“Mr The Next American Idol”: I will preface by saying that I am rather shocked I have not encountered this until now. I have met this monster before at previous jobs, but this is the first on the bus. “Mr The Next American Idol” was obviously under the hypnotic power of the the infamous “headphone effect”, where a person thinks they are singing quieter than they actually are. Also, the person thinks that they are actually talented enough to sing. In this guy’s case singing is a loose definition. He was “singing” loud enough for me to hear him through my iPod. So loud I thought he was talking to me at one point. He mooed or caterwauled his entire trip which was about three quarters of mine. Once he exited the bus, “the scared of people blond lady”** made the comment that he sounded like a sick cow. (this is the first time I’ve heard this lady speak in three months).

“Mr I’ll Huff and I’ll Puff and…..”: So this clown is in line waiting directly behind me, he is obviously disgruntled (I still have never met anyone who is gruntled) about waiting. For the next 15 minutes or so, I got to hear this douchebag sigh and moan and growl. He was muttering aloud about how there were only four fucking (for effect and an actual utterance) tellers, what are they fucking doing, and so on. He kept this up the entire time he was behind me. He then began jingling his keys in his pocket, stomping his feet like a 6 year old, and muttering louder.

This is where I finally had enough of my new friend. Slowly I turned, looked him dead in the face, and simply asked him this question: “seriously, is all of the whining and moaning helping any?” I think I surprised him a bit, he quietly said “point taken”. I did warn the teller that quickly took care of me and would have to deal with him that he was a little on the impatient side. Since it is Friday, I will quote Chris Tucker from the movie Friday. “Mr I’ll Huff and I’ll Puff and….YOU GOT KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT!”

“The Old Bag of Onions”: This species was definitely one for the senses. I sat next to an older lady who seemed to be sort of a benign character. I always choose who I sit near if given the opportunity and I figured an older lady would not be a problem. Boy was I wrong. As I sat next to this lady I became increasingly watery-eyed and I started to get the sniffles. This is that same feeling I get when chopping onions, which the smell was starting to prevail as well. The lady absolutely reeked of raw onions. Not just an oniony aroma, but full force, crying my eyes out onions. She must have had some in her little lunch bag or something. I now suggest that maybe this lady consider something called Tupperware or plastic wrap. Maybe better yet, save the raw onions for home–your coworkers and fellow bus riders would appreciate it.

“It’s Friday Guy #2”: I think I found a relative of last week’s guy….so this guy is on the bus and he is sort of obnoxious and loud. He was talking to couple of girls that were with him and being very boisterous in the process. Soon, another guy gets on the bus, sits down next to him and joins in the conversation. The obnoxious guy then reaches into his pants and pulls out a baggie. He then swaps the contents of this baggie for a single bill (probably a ten/twenty) with the guy who sat down next to him. I think I saw me a crack deal–cool. These guys know how to do Friday and it’s way cooler than MD 20/20.

“Mr Fucking Comfortable” : This is that guy or lady on the bus, who despite the bus being crowded, takes up two or three seats in the back. They are all sprawled out and real comfy while there are old ladies, women with children, the injured, and people who have worked all day standing. Furthermore, Mr Fucking Comfortable gets annoyed when someone wants to sit and acts like a little kid when somebody has the nerve to ask for his extra seat(s).

“The Friday Guy” : I have now run into this character twice and he has demonstrated the same M.O. both times. The second time he was near me, but not next to me. The first time he was the above species and was miffed at me for ruining his comfort. Anyway, during that first encounter, he was talking to a buddy of his who was sitting nearby. They were laughing and carrying on about something. The former “Mr Fucking Comfortable” became “Friday Guy” right before my eyes. He pulls out a bottle of MD 20/20 from his bag, opens it, takes a big drink, and passes it to his buddy. The buddy, laughing, replies (not an editorial, just the actual quote) “shit nigga, you crazy…good looking out bro”. Friday Guy then gave me his nickname by replying “It’s Friiidayy (scratchy, comical voice), gotta put my drink on before I go home and watch the Cavs game, it’s all good”. Tremendous…..

“The Tragically Unprepared”: This species is a regular bus rider, which makes it far worse. They know they are taking the bus, they do this every day. I am quite sure they are aware of the fare ($1.75). I am also sure they know when the bus arrives. Why is it this moron of a species never has their money or their pass ready when the bus arrives. It is as if it is some great shock to them that they are taking the bus they are waiting for. It is a surprise that the bus requires they pay a fare or show a pass. They are very annoying in the afternoon when several people (including me) are waiting for their dumb asses to produce some sort of fare for the bus they knew they were getting on.

“The Penny-Ante Passengers”: They are closely related to the above. These are the people who think nothing of pumping 35 nickels into the fare box. They have no problem with 18 dimes. Hell, I bet some of these would throw in 175 pennies if they were allowed. These people are, like the above, fully aware (apparently) they are taking the bus, yet they stand there and grope themselves looking for the 18th dime or the 35th nickel. Using up my valuable time and the time of others. I saw some clown the other morning take so long to find all of his change that by the time he was done emptying the piggy bank, he was at his stop.

My own mother was attacked by a very dangerous grocery store species. A creature I like to call “the walking store sales circular”. This creature is not only nosy, but annoying and bull headed. This creature will try to coerce you into buying sub-standard products because they are cheap. My mother tells me she was about the same age as her or so. Try to avoid any contact with this creature at all costs. They will gum up the whole shopping experience. Nice catch mom, you’re hired.

“The Squeezer”: This character is another one of those not-so-entertaining types. This is the guy who believes that he has enough room to sit down between two people. This guy strikes in the front or the back of the bus, where the bench seats are. The other morning I was in a seat and another guy was in a seat one away in the back of the bus. Mind you, the seats are not that wide and accommodate a normal sized person, such as myself, rather snug. The fellow who was one seat away was a larger person, he needed more room. The Squeezer eyeballed the situation, gave it a second look, and proceeded to sit between us, though there was maybe a foot between us. He so kindly sacrificed our comfort so his inconvenienced ass could sit down. I stood up, moved, and gave him a dirty look for the rest of the ride.

“The Weird, Uncrowded Bus, But Standing Guy”: This was one of those entertaining freaks. He did freak me out a bit, but entertaining. He was an older guy with white hair and a goatee. He resembled a scruffy Uncle Martin. Anyway, the bus was not crowded at all, it was Good Friday. There were plenty of available seats, yet this guy decided to stand in the back of the bus and do some sort of creepy pole dance. He was squatting, moving, and gyrating with the movement of the bus. As I said, I was creeped out by this.

“Crazy nonsense loud talking guy”: I just found this one today. I was sitting in the back of the bus as usual. This guy was sitting in the very back corner. He was quiet at first and just kind of fidgeting. All of the sudden, he started rambling on about nothing and talking to nobody. He was loud enough to drown out my iPod. he must have been going for about 20 minutes. Me and the black guy sitting next to him started making “eyes” at each other and trying not to bust up. Nothing bridges the racial gap like this species.

“Rushing and shoving in to get a seat guy”: what an annoying fuck this creature is, he pushes and shoves his way in line to get in front of everyone so he can sit his rude ass down. I have encountered this exact guy four times now, same M.O. all four times. This creature would knock his own mother down just to get a seat on the bus, if he even has a mother.

“Sounds just like Estelle Costanza lady”: This lady I work with kind of resembles and really sounds like Estelle Costanza (George’s mom on Seinfeld). Worse yet, she has a husband named Frank, just like the TV show.

Ms “I have so much drama I can fill the bus” girl: I encountered this she beast on Monday morning. This female species likes to publicly argue with some significant other over her cell phone and at a high volume. She expresses all of her anger towards this person right out in public for all of us to hear. I would definitely fear this beast.

The No-Faced Sleeping Guy: I have seen this guy every morning on the bus since I started taking it. He is quiet and keeps to himself. He hangs his plastic shopping bag on his hands and sits real still. I know he wears a blue coat and has white hair. The one thing I could not do is identify him in a line up. I have never seen this guy’s face. He sleeps with his head down every day.

The Usurpers: This seems to be a race of beings. These are the people who sit down next to you. Though you have established the seat, they take it upon themselves to try and own the entire two seats. I gave a usurper my newspaper one afternoon because I was done with it and was just being nice. Mistake. That newspaper was used as a weapon against me. The usurper unfurled the paper completely and nearly elbowed me in the face, all the while trying to get more seat from me. These are ungrateful and selfish creatures. They are not to be trusted. Offers of kindness will come back at you in not so kind ways.

“Mr Nude”or “Nature Boy”: I walked into the locker room as I always do when I arrive.  I claim my usual locker #38 and dispatch with my backpack.  I tie my shoes, lock my locker, and off I go.  I walked in the locker room on Thursday morning last week and encountered a rather rotund, hairy, and all out naked guy.  I understand walking from the shower to the locker, I guess, but not doing every possible activity like shaving, weighing, and so on completely naked.  It was very hard to train my vision so he was completely out of sight.  Yikes.

“The Crows” or the “Deplorable Housewives”: In the same morning as above, I observed a very facinating species.  These were women, probably early thirties, who did not shut up the entire time they were on the treadmills.  They gabbed on every subject from their dumb-ass husbands to “card-etiquette”.  I have a hard time thinking they actually did anything close to exercise (‘cept for the gums).  It was funny and I was justified, when another person who was next to me, commented later on that “they still have not shut up”.

“The Exer-Grunter” or the “Wild Boar Monster”: I was quietly using a machine for my hamstrings when all of the sudden rose quite the noises.  The guy next to me was making pig-like grunting noises and/or strangulating a hernia and/or fighting off demons that possessed him and/or pooping internally.  This guy made noises that most mortals have never encountered.  I wanted to ask him if he was allright, but feared he would spit a pea-soup-like substance at me.

“the Heavy Sweater” or the “Human Slug”: I waited for one of the two ab-crunch contraptions until finally one of the “people” got up.  He left quite the slimy-gooey puddle of something resembling sweat.  I waited for him to get the towels and the spray and to clean up after himself.  He never did.  Was I to clean the wake of this slug?  Did I bring my water wings?  Shall I find another activity? –yes.  I wanted to pour salt on the creature as to dry him up and make him shrivel up and die for leaving that ooze behind.

“the Hover-Round You” –this is an obviously curious species, they want to know what you are doing and they are not afraid to ask either. They stand above you while you are engaged in a sitting activity such as reading, writing, or in my case crosswording and peer over your shoulder. This creature has aparently nothing better to do than to bother innocent (well-maybe), sitters who are spending some quiet time. This creature is usually always an older male, or at least in my case.

The new species I discovered were the “bring your problems, air them out, and break up at a party” couple. This was not the first time I have encountered this, but recently I had not seen this species. They basically bitched at each other all night, her cell phone rang, she answered, giggled, and hung up. Boyfriend was not too pleased. They bitched some more and boom..mushroomcloud. The two were now in a full blown un-mating ritual. Names were called, fingers pointed, and girlfriend left.

coffeehouse counter selection board zombies. These two idiots, obviously unprepared for the numerous selections available, stood there and pointed and stared and stared and pointed for what seemed like years.

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